I thought it was love I was craving and it turns you cannot have the feeling of being loved without being in your truth because truth is where the authentic self is born.~Morgan Carson
When I was little I would lie to feel protected, it was like my cave where no one could get in and hurt me. I felt everything so intensely and I just wanted to feel safe and it felt like if I lied at least they would leave me alone.
As I grew up and built so many of these caves there was no room for me anymore. The lies and other people had taken up all the space. I would run to another experience or group of friends trying to find a home for myself but no matter how much I lied, or hid myself, I could never find a place for me.
When I was 21, my best friend had cancer and I lied about all my feelings. White lies, hiding my emotions, pretending I was okay because I could see how everyone was dumping their experience on her. Eventually this led me to escaping my experience through numbing myself with drugs. I finally told her, and I had to call my own intervention with my whole family. This truth of my feelings, my pain and my choices to hurt myself and those I loved because I created no space for me felt like death. During the intervention while I told the truth, every little lie bubbled to the surface to be dealt with. I even kept one lie to myself and within hrs It came bursting through me like a tornado. No lies could be kept any longer. Finally I could breath, and be myself as fucked up as I needed to be at the time. To accept I was fucked up, let me actually heal.
The next 7 years I kept myself sober yet this cave building went on. It looked like not telling my business partners I needed to create art, or my husband that I needed more time together, or my repressed sexuality coming to the surface during ayahuasca and me saying “im fine.. Im fine..” These were new kinds of lies that I didn’t even know I was making yet the familiar feeling of having no space had me in panic attacks daily. While I wasn’t messily hurting the people I loved, all my relationships still had this quality of pain and drama because I was suppressing myself, boxing myself to be loved and accepted. All of my inner desires would unpredictably act themselves out or send me straight into panic. The only problem was I believed my own lies, I believed that I was making my choices from my true desires except I was really making them to keep my loved ones happy while never even bothering to ask myself what I wanted.
Eventually these lies would end in a divorce I could never see coming because I was wrapped so tight in my lies,. Untangling these knots felt like drowning over and over again. I tried to escape the pain in fantasy, in creating worlds that felt more beautiful. At some point I had to deal with the loss of my husband and that I had not healed my childhood trauma. I had to really honor the truth that I had abandoned myself completely to be loved.
When I finally started the journey of creating a home for myself, a dimension of love I could be at peace in. Lies still were a slippery slope because I didn’t know it was truth I was craving. I thought it was love and it turns you cannot have the feeling of being loved without being in your truth because truth is where the authentic self is born.
Round and round I went untangling my deeper truths, my innermost desires, and doing my best to accept myself and make a home for myself, in my body and on the planet. A home for me with friends and with my family. A home where I could love and be myself always.
Truth is the only way I know how to love myself. How can I love myself without accepting myself. All of me ,all of my body, all of my past, all my actions, all of my experiences, all my mistakes and all of the beautiful parts. How can I love them without truly seeing them clearly.
This is why truth, So I can love myself and be myself. So I can actually live a beautiful life, so I can be good for the people around me. So I can be a good mother and friend. Not good in the way of contorting myself, good in the way I am myself and love myself and give of myself all that I can from an authentic place.
I am still untangling the suppression, all the parts of me I hid in caves even from myself. I meet these places with tender love and encouragement, I meet them with a loving mother’s gaze who invites them home. A beautiful home I created with fluffy pillows, a cozy warm fire and garden outside. A place where they can roam freely and be loved entirely.
Loving my truth is a moment to moment practice. It’s a deep devotion to unconditional love and knowing I am worthy of living. It is choosing the truth that who I am is good for the world even with the huge and sometimes terrible mistakes I have made.
Loving my truth and meeting it in every changing moment takes courage because daily I discover parts of my being I have not seen in awhile. The process of fully accepting myself will eventually end, and I will be wholly loved by me. I know this. Showing up daily for this ritual of truth and love is the way to bring all of myself home. I am devoted to being the love for myself I always yearned for so that I can truly give that to my children, my partner and the world. It really is the greatest gift I can give.
Written By the heart of Morgan Carson, on a cloudy afternoon in Bali. You can see more of her art and expression at morgancarson.com